Monday, December 19, 2011
My knees. My poor poor dirtied bruised knees. All this praying, all this repenting, all this kissing of dirtied sandalled feet. I've forgotten what it means to stand and move around by tits... I mean, my wits. After the soul searching and sacrificing of my beaded conch necklaces, I know one thing for sure - God doesn't care about Survivor. He doesn't care about your good deeds and he most certainly doesn't care about your sacrifices. He's too busy appearing in pancakes in New Mexico or waiting to hear his name called out at the BET awards. So now that we've learned where God's priorities lie, I'm taking a stand. I forbid anyone to invoke Him anymore on any of my reality shows. I am drawing the drunkenly squiggled line in the sand. No more God! *thunderclap in the distance* Instead, I want Pagans. Naked nature worshippers in velvet cloaks dancing under the full moon. Satyrs, nymphs, and fairy folk. Let the wind dictate the order of the day. Let the rain be our baptism. Sex under the stars, intention as our prayer, energy as our life force. Drum circles and pan pipes. Incense unfurling lazily up into the night sky. This is the Survivor of tomorrow. Why settle for one curmudgeonly God who doesn't know what the hell He wants half the time when you can have an entire pantheon of Gods and Goddesses to suit your every whim? Witches V. Druids. The most powerful spell wins. Let's recap, shall we?
We begin our final installment of Survivor: Bible Thumpers on Rhode Island (Redemption Island). Lil Hantz arrives in a fit of giggles and announces, "I got blindsided! I gave Albert my Immunity Necklace, but I got blindsided! I still love him though." Ozzy scratches his curls curiously and wonders if he'll live to see tomorrow. Clearly, a lunatic has entered his homestead, his Pleasure Dome, and it might behoove him to sleep with one eye open tonight. Brandon smiles one last crooked smile before crawling under the covers and curling up next to Ozzy. He whispers, "I love you man. God loves you, brother." Ozzy stares blankly for a smidge, but in the end decides that he's too tired to object. Besides, he's got a tailor made duel with his name spray painted on the side of it to win tomorrow. Beauty sleep comes first.
Back at Tuna Tartare (TeTuna) the mood wants to be merry. It's trying to be jolly. Instead, Coach is all twisted up in anger over Albert's lies at the last Tribal Council. His jury politicking is embarrassing at this point and that lie he told about young Brandon being safe... well, that was just cruel and unnecessary. Coach is done being made a fool of in this game. He quickly shoots a dragonfly with his pointer finger and tells us that now is the time he puts his foot down. Now is the time he puts a stop to Albert's all too transparent shenanigans. Albert listens to Coach in stony silence. Eventually he replies, "I uh I never uh meant I uh umm." Coach quiets Albert with a "shhhh". He's been officially humbled. Deep down inside I sort of hoped he'd been hobbled instead.
And this brings us to the Ozzy Lusth duel of Ozziness. Today, our Ozzys will climb up a giant pole and sit there for as long as they can. The only rule is that Ozzy cannot touch the top of the pole. Other than that, it's an Ozzy free-for-all. The Ozzy that wins this final duel will rejoin the game. Ozzys ready, go.
Our Ozzys grip their poles like horny sloths and the challenge has officially begun. Ozzy Ozzy begins to fidget early as he shifts into a pseudo standing position where he hangs on using only his pinky toes. Conversely, Brandon Ozzy sits stoically, unflinching. I can only assume he was deep in prayer in that moment. Then, like clockwork, we hear it. The familiar cries of a man desperate for votes. "Way to go Brandon! Come on brother!" It's Albert. Creepy, lackluster, ass kissing Albert.
The challenge continues yet Brandon sits comfortably. Out of the stillness we hear a slapping. Slap, slap, slap... it was perverse in it's slappiness and I thought to myself, "No! He's not really doing what I think he's doing, is he?" Turns out I'm the only pervert at the challenge as the slapping was merely Ozzy's thighs and palms climbing up and down, up and down the pole. I swished away the filthiness in my mind and crossed my fingers while I hoped for the best, but it wasn't to be... OZZY STAYS ALIVE!!!
Surprise, surprise. Ozzy wins the Ozzy Lusth challenge of Ozziness. Brandon put up a good fight, but he didn't stand a chance. Brandon seems ok with it though. He's happy for different reasons. Jubilant, if you will. He's open to God now and that's all that seems to matter to the young lad. He's a weird quirky dude with a storage unit of skeletons, but his unwavering persistence towards blind faith was quite a thing to behold. I don't pretend to understand it, but I hope the kid finds whatever it is he's looking for. Could it be that he wants what all of us to want? To be happy. To be loved. *shrugs shoulders* Eh, fuck if I know. Go treat yourself to a CHURRO tattoo Lil Hantz. You deserve it. Godspeed.
Back at Tuna Tartare, everyone is going through the motions of welcoming Ozzy back. Painted on smiles and outstretched hands mime goodness, but beneath the surface bubbles uneasiness and sorrow. Albert declares, "I want to beat his butt!" I'm sure you do Albert, but all in good time. Wear your finest to the Reunion and who knows? Maybe Ozzy will put out.
Coach pulls Ozzy to the side and genuinely congratulates him for an amazing run. Coach assures Ozzy that he's not going anywhere and that if Coach wins Immunity, he'll give Ozzy his Hidden Immunity Idol. *smacks self in head* No! No Coach, no! Ozzy eyes Coach suspiciously and isn't sure he believes the dragon slayer's promise. He says he wants to be in the end with Coach (yeah right), yet he's having a difficult time trusting his intentions. I don't know. Coach is a pretty genuine guy. I think when he says things in the heat of the moment he truly intends to follow through. His inner Coachness bursts with chivalry and loyalty. You know deep down he's dying to leap onto a horse in a suit of armor and rescue a damsel in distress in those moments. It's those whispers in time that get Coach in trouble though. It's easy to make promises when you're high on the mountaintop, but when you're back in the murky swamp of despair, they're sort of hard to see through to the end.
And this brings us to the big Immunity Challenge. Come on in guys! The first person to build a stack of cards while balancing an enormous board with one hand will win Immunity. Sophie smiles to herself. She just happens to have a book at home called House Of Cards For Dummies. In between studying for finals, dissecting frogs, and not hanging out with friends Sophie'll whip up a playing card deck mansion complete with a circular driveway and a swing set. Looks like she's got this challenge in the bag. Survivors ready, go!
Sophie works quietly and quickly. She's constructs the floor beams, puts in the dry wall, and is preparing to erect some Corinthian columns when, oh shit - she's out of cards! "I ran out of cards!", she whines. Dimples shrugs his shoulders and says, "Yeah, uh card management is part of the challenge bitch." At least that's what I heard him say. Tight lipped and angry, Sophie now starts a card shanty town. Meanwhile, Ozzy and Coach are neck in neck although moving fairly slowly. Rancher Rick and Albert have yet to lay the base boards. I don't know what the hell they're doing, but don't hire either of these guys to build you a deck. Not only will it not be sturdy, but it'll probably be a decade long project.
Sophie's shanty town begins to shape up nicely when all of a sudden - splat! Fighting back tears and cursing the "For Dummies" franchise, Sophie screams, "Pick up my pieces Albert! Stop what you're doing and pick up my pieces!" Sure, Albert's house is only a half a centimeter high, but who the hell does Sophie think she is? Albert stares blankly at his house for a few seconds and then peeks over his shoulder for a look at Sophie's pieces scattered in the sand. It was just long enough for Dimples to make a spur of the moment executive decision. "Albert can't help you Sophie. This is an individual challenge," states Dimples. We all knew Dimples made that up on the fly, but I'm glad he did. Every once in a while, a know-it-all needs to be kicked back to reality. It's good for the soul.
So no matter how much Sophie bitched and how many different elevations she tried, she just couldn't build her house of cards fast enough. In the end, it came down to Coach and Ozzy. Through hands shaking like crinkly leaves, Ozzy places his final piece and... OZZY WINS IMMUNITY!!!
Back at camp, Sophie is devastated that she lost that challenge. She did what the book told her to do. She studied. She practiced. How could she not have won and set a precedent for all future Survivor House Of Cards (oh please, you know we'll be seeing that challenge again and again and again). So while Sophie is busy beating herself up, Albert is busy in panic mode. He goes around the camp whispering, 'It's Rick, right? We're getting rid of Rick, right?" Coach nods yes. The more he's thinks about it, the more he thinks a good ole boy like Rick could actually win. I couldn't disagree more. The good ole boys (like J.T.) win only if they're also good at challenges. Rancher Rick is a pebble on the beach. He's a leaf on a tree. He's an extra that fills an empty space. I'd like to think that no one in their right mind would award someone like that one million dollars.
Ozzy, however, thinks that Sophie is the one to get rid of. He didn't like the way she talked to Albert during the challenge. Plus, he's been hearing a lot of shady things about Sophie. During recess yesterday someone called her stuck-up. Albert listens to this and nods. Maybe they should get rid of Sophie instead? Albert scurries hither and thither, to and fro. What to do, what to do. He needs to know who they're voting out asap because it's imperative he lays his list of prepared compliments onto that person before they depart. Votes, baby!
Rancher Rick moseys through the camp, across the beach, through the trees and he catches a whiff of something in the air. Something that isn't exactly right. Has a horse gone lame? Will the corn be ready to harvest? Those things, I do not know. Maybe Coach knows. "Hey Coach, am I safe tonight?," Rancher Rick asks. Coach swats at an imaginary fly as he sharpens an imaginary arrow. "You thirsty Rick? I was uh just gonna go get some water down uh thataway," Coach replies. Then Coach shoots his arrow into the air and runs to chase it. Rancher Rick strokes his beard and thinks to himself, "Now, that was odd." And that's it for Rancher Rick. He's reached his word quota for the day.
This brings us to our first Tribal Council of the night. Brandon skips in with the Jury all bright eyed and bushy tailed. The boy is glowing. He's not grimacing like those other Bitter Bettys. Albert starts off by saying he should stay in the game because he's valuable to have in competitions against Ozzy. Ozzy laughs heartily and rolls onto the ground in a fit of giggles. "You think you can beat moi?! Ha! I'd like to see you try. Besides, Sophie is a spoiled brat and I have a final two deal with Coach. So there!"
Sophie jerks her head sideways. A brat? She's a brat? Since when?! Ozzy continues, "I've been hearing things, Dimples, and I don't like what I hear. All she does is sleep and hang out. To hell with her!" Sophie listens quietly as her lower lip starts to tremble. She's hurt and confused by the accusations. Sure, she's quiet and sure she likes to roll her eyes whenever the fancy strikes her, but that's just who she is! Ozzy gives her the hand. He doesn't want to hear it. This paradigm of perfection and fairness doesn't want to hear how someone else might be socially awkward at times. He's much too busy climbing palm trees and skinning sharks to associate with snotty brats.
Through a constant flow of tears and a hiccup-y voice, Sophie wonders why she's even here at all. She should have never come in the first place! *smacks self in head* Oy vey. Sophie is many things, but spoiled brat wasn't really a phrase I had ever associated with her... until this very moment. When this whole bruhaha started I thought that perhaps Ozzy was being a little harsh. Could it be that there really is something to his accusations? Clearly we missed a lot in the editing. Well, none of it makes any difference anyways because Rancher Rick is the 16th person voted out of Survivor South Pacific. We bid you adieu Rancher Rick. We hardly knew ye. Like seriously, who the hell are you?
Back at Tuna Tartare Ozzy can smell victory. He can almost taste it. His Plan B is to win. That also happens to be his Plan A. Well, let's just say creativity isn't Ozzy's forte. Neither is lying or acting or being humble or being likable. Meanwhile Coach is all bunged up over Ozzy blabbing his big mouth back at Tribal Council and he needs to figure out what the hell Ozzy is up to before they proceed in this game together. Ozzy adjusts his nether regions and says, "Um I've been burned in the past, man. I've been stabbed in the back. It's like impossible for me to trust people in this game, dude." Coach, being the sentimental guy that he is, buys it and is heartbroken to hear about Ozzy's plight with trust.
Here's how I see it. There are two ways to break someone's trust: out of necessity and out of malice. Coach broke Rick's trust out of necessity. It was a self preservation thing that he thought was right at the time. It probably wasn't the correct choice in the long run, but it surely wasn't done out of malice. Coach doesn't have evil intentions towards Rick. Hurting Rick's feelings hurts Coach's feelings. Conversely, there's Ozzy. Going into that last Tribal Council and blabbing to everyone that Coach confronted him with a final two deal was pure malice. It was completely unnecessary (and, knowing what we know now, was probably a million dollar mistake) and designed to make Coach look bad to the Jury. If anyone should be questioning anyone's trustworthiness, it's whether or not Coach should trust Ozzy and not the other way around. All Ozzy has to do is get to the final three. That's it! If he gets there, he's a millionaire. The problem is that he likes swinging his dick around too much. The guy can't, for one second, keep his trap shut and ride this bitch out to the end. He always has to get in the last word, the last dig, the last neverending nauseatingly verbose speech. Imagine how different things might be today if Ozzy had actually kept the secret he was supposed to keep.
And this brings us to the second Immunity Challenge of the night. Come on in guys! It's the same final challenge we see every season. Race through some cockamamie obstacle course, collect five bags of puzzle pieces, and the first person to complete their puzzle wins Immunity. Survivors ready, go!
Ozzy, Albert, and Sophie fly out of the gate like bats out of hell while Coach gets his armor stuck in a net and topples over. Leave your sword with Dimples, Coach! Our survivors race hastily through this obstacle and that. Bag after bag is collected as Ozzy, Albert, and Sophie manage to stay pretty tight with each other throughout. It was when Albert starting intentionally or unintentionally trying to teeter Sophie off of the net obstacle that things started to go awry. Sophie yelled, "Stop shaking the net Albert! And pick up my damn pieces!" while Ozzy cruised on through to the lead.
With his five bags in hand, Ozzy gets to work on the complicated puzzle. It's a puzzle unlike one we've seen before where the brackets are jagged and movable. Ozzy is flummoxed as to where his first goes and before we know it, he's blown his entire lead and Coach and Sophie are now working on their puzzles. I don't know what happened to Albert. Sophie probably pummeled him to death with her bags of puzzle pieces. *shrugs shoulders* Oh well.
Sophie manages to get her first piece locked in and it turns out that once you get your first piece in, the others fall into place as well. A panic stricken look of horror overcomes Ozzy's face so, naturally, I freeze framed it and danced around the room wearing nothing but a party hat and chaps (in honor of Rick). When I pushed play again, Ozzy locks his first piece into position, but it's too late. Sophie has too big of a lead and SOPHIE WINS IMMUNITY!!!
Through gritted teeth and blank eyes, Ozzy congratulates Sophie on her win but knows deep down inside that this is the end of the road. Everything he's accomplished and all he's worked for is about to crash down around him like a... well, like a tumbling house of cards. *does a Charlie Chaplin kick in the air* Meanwhile Coach is regaling Sophie with the most prestigious award ever in existence. It's the Dragon Slayer Medal of Excellence. Only a few are given out every few years. It's like that Swedish award everyone thinks is so important. Only this one is for knights, ninjas, charlatans, and anyone else who likes to wear jodhpurs and weaponry. Albert watches with envy and finally comes up with a phrase to contribute to the ceremony, "Ozzy is like a real live villain!" Uh, ok. Thank you Albert. Shouldn't you be in a corner doing your best Mr. Collins impression (name the book Mr. Collins comes from in the comments and you're a big weiner).
And this brings us to our second Tribal Council. Ozzy starts off the conversation by blaming that blasted puzzle piece. It was the puzzle piece's fault that he lost! And now it will torture and torment him for the rest of his life. Coach nods in understanding. He knows how it is to come so far and then fall short. Ozzy doesn't want to hear it though. All he wants to know is if Coach still plans on taking him to the finals - he promised him you know. Did you hear that Jury? Coach promised Ozzy to go to the finals.
It's the same old same old with Ozzy. All this hand waving and wild gesticulating for sympathy from the Jury. Dude, you already have their sympathy! Focus on the people who matter now - the people who have the power to take you to the end. You can't expect Coach to reward you with a vote for Albert if you keep throwing him under the bus like you're doing. Had Ozzy just been nice to Coach, had he just sucked it up for once and hidden his arrogance away... Had he done those things I might not be sitting in a punch bowl of glitter right now because OZZY IS THE 17TH PERSON VOTED OUT OF SURVIVOR SOUTH PACIFIC!!! *throws glitter in the air* I may have glitter in places where glitter doesn't exactly belong, but who cares?!? I can't wipe the smile on my face no matter how hard I try. Ding dong, Ozzy is gone!
Alright, let's just fast forward to the part we care about... the final Tribal Council. *thunderclaps in the distance* Or, what I like to call: The Airing Of The Grievances. A Festivus for the rest of us.
All of our ducks are lined up in a row and it's time for the opening remarks. Albert, please go first.
"Um so I'd umm like to say what a pleasure it is to know all of you beautiful people and might I say, you're all looking gorgeous today. This is the ultimate social experiment. It's a game about people. It's a game about me and it's a game about you. A higher power brought us all together. Thank you for being a part of my experience. Vote for Albert! Peace!"
Alrighty then, Sophie you're up.
"I'm just going to cut to the chase. A) I held my own in the challenges. B) I strategized well. C) I may not know who any of you are, but we've all become valuable friends. Therefore, according to the syllabus, I have fulfilled all of my Survivor requirements."
Coach, your turn...
"Gosh, I can't believe I'm here now next to this mystical fire under this magical night. I truly thought this game was made for Ozzy. Over the years, I've laughed, I've loved, I've cried, and I've grown. I'm not a perfect man, but I am a changed man. The first time I played this game I played with arrogance. This time I played with love. I opened myself up to you and now I carry you all deep within. *Dimples shifts uncomfortably on his log* Thank you for being inside of me."
Dimples turns the floor over to the Jury and Ozzy is up first. Hair like Pippi Longstocking, shirt unbuttoned just so. Ozzy sticks his neck out and says, "The good news is this game isn't decided. The bad news is no one wants to vote for you." Ozzy takes a deep breath and points a long and filthy (seriously, where has that thing been?) finger at Sophie, "You are a privileged selfish brat!" Next he turns to Albert, "You were in the right place at the right time!" Finally, he turns to Coach, "Coach, do you think you played honorably?" We all know what Ozzy wants to hear. Hell, even Coach knows what Ozzy wants to hear. Ozzy wants Coach to sit there and say he was dishonorable and... that's exactly what Coach does. He tried to play honorably, but when at the crossroads difficult decisions had to be made. Some went back on his word and others didn't. Hey, it was a good answer. It was honest and eloquent.
Mary Jane (Jim) is up next and he dead eyes weren't quite so dead anymore. He addresses Albert and asks him one simple question - Why shouldn't the Coach or Sophie win? The caveat is that he's not allowed to answer with a compliment. Albert replies, "Good question! Wow, I like the way you think." The Jury (and myself) erupts into a fit of giggles. I wanted Mary Jane to stop him right then and there because he totally broke the no compliment rule, but Mary Jane let him continue. Albert claims he carried Coach to the end while Sophie can't make friends to save her life. No offense Albie, but if you stopped to count your Survivor friends on your hands you might find that you only need one finger.
Candy-apple headed Dawn goes next and she wants to know why Sophie aligned with Coach and Albert. Sophie starts off by saying that she wishes she was man. I mean, I always thought she looked like a softball player, but I never thought she was full on Chaz. Sophie continues saying that the men in the game seem to always get young girls to follow them around. To her, Coach was like one of those young girls. Upon hearing this, Coach swings his sword out of his pocket and beheads young Sophie right then and there. Young girl indeed!
Rancher Rick goes and with a swing of his lasso, he catches Coach by the neck and yanks. With a gentle "Yeehaw" under his breath. He ties his lasso to a runaway horse and just watches as Coach's bony body hits the rocks and trees surrounding Tribal Council. Satisfied, Rick tips his hat to everyone and moseys back to his seat.
Brandon is up next. "God, let us pray, Jesus, God, holy spirit, hallowed be thy name." Coach, being fully able to speak "Brandon" at this point in time answers, "You should be sitting up here Brandon. Thank you for raising the bar of the game." Brandon replies, "Praise be to Jesus!"
Then he turns to Albert, "Did you know I was going to get voted out? Answer yes or no."
Albert: "Um well I..."
Brandon: "Answer yes or no."
Albert: "But I just wanted to say that I..."
Brandon: "I said ANSWER YES OR NO."
Albert: "I know, but can I..."
Brandon: "YES OR NO MOTHERFUCKER!!!"
Albert starts to cry.
Brandon lifts his shirt up to show Albert his new tattoo. It says, "AMSER YES OR NO!!!"
Albert sighs in defeat, "I don't know."
Brandon: "Thank you. Jets fo' life!"
And then he smacked his chest twice and ate an enchilada.
Whitney goes next and in between twirling her hair and making obscene finger gestures to Keanu (Keith), she hollers, "Albert yer sleazy!" She pops some gum and wrestles with a bubble while thinking of her next question. "Sophie yer conderscendin'!" That's it. That's all Whitney has to contribute. Thank you Whitney.
Tiny flitting dust particle Edna goes next and boy is she a breath of fresh air. It's Downy with Febreze! Edna schooled us all in that moment. She spoke of manipulation and history and religion and the vikings and the Romans. We learned about the Moors and the Ottoman Empire. She brought history to life and breathed common sense into this ridiculous game we all love. The gist of her dissertation is that people get duped. All of us. Me, you, them, they, everyone. We get duped yet that's life. And then a breeze blew in and she disappeared. I wondered to myself where that Edna was for the run of the game. I could learn to love that Edna. Fare thee well fairy sprite.
Keanu walked robotically up to the podium and this was his contribution, "Coach, why didn't you play the Idol?" Seriously? It's ok Coach, I got this. Because he didn't need to you freak! Keanu moves slowly back to his seat while Sophie shouts, "We faked how we found the Idol!" And that's when the tide turned for me. I hated her in that moment. I truly truly hated the desperation in her voice, the urgency of her plea. It was cowardly and tattletale-y all wrapped up in an undesirable ploy to win. To watch Brandon's reaction, I'm not even sure he understood what she was trying to say. All I know was that it wasn't a moment one can be proud of. The neediness of it was nauseating.
Last up we have Cochran, young Cochran. Cochran sees the game for what it is. He knows it's a cool move if you can trick people and Coach, indeed, tricked him. Cochran can't hate on that. He can only respect it. However, the word "honor" is where Cochran gets a little confused. The word was used so much this season that it's sort of lost its meaning at this point. Coach agrees and says he's tried hard to do the right things. But when you try and try and try not to screw up, what do you think happens? You screw up and you do the wrong things. Coach made a mess for himself that wasn't easy to get out of. He knows it, but, better yet, he can acknowledge it.
Solemn inspirational music plays in the background and we're whisked away to the live reunion. The votes are read and it's neck and neck between Coach and Sophie. "COACH, SOPHIE, COACH, SOPHIE, COACH, SOPHIE." I was sure Coach had this. I was positive! "SOPHIE, SOPHIE." Como what? "SOPHIE IS THE WINNER OF SURVIVOR SOUTH PACIFIC!!!"
Ugh. Does anyone know how to get glitter out of lady parts?
Well, ain't that a kick in the vag. I don't dislike Sophie per se, but I definitely didn't want her to win. I think since day one I've been rooting for Coach all along. He's a quirky eccentric guy who quotes obscure philosophers and probably collects daggers from the French aristocracy. I don't always agree with him and believe me, the God stuff makes me bonkers, but I like the guy. What can I say? Maybe I see a kindred spirit in him. Best of luck to you Coach. Might I suggest a collection of Tai Chi DVD's in your near future?
So that's that. Are you guys pleased with the outcome? Who were you rooting for? When you saw Sophie dance with her check did you die a little bit inside? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
If you've enjoyed what I've done this season, please click on my PayPal button and show a girl some love. Have a wonderful holiday season everyone and a happy new year. I'll see you back here the 2nd week of February for my first impressions of the new cast. My first Survivor One World blog will be posted February 16, 2012. Be sure to friend me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter for updates whenever I post on a new blog. Take care bitches!